Catfights and Cat Stampedes
by Red Witch
Summary: Cobra Commander is missing. That's not as much a problem as the fighting between some of the members of Cobra and what's being put in the yogurt smoothies.


**The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe Characters has gone to the dogs. Er, cats. Or something. Just more madness in the same theme of Cobra going broke and on the lam. Enjoy the pointless fun. **

**Catfights And Cat Stampedes**

"Destro have you seen Cobra Commander?" The Baroness asked as she walked into Destro's office.

"No, I haven't," Destro was working at his desk on the computer. "Now that you mention it, it has been a rather quiet day."

"I also haven't seen or heard from the Dreadnoks the past two days," The Baroness said.

"Yes, it has been a rather pleasant week hasn't it?" Destro grinned.

"You don't think that wherever the Commander went he went with the Dreadnoks do you?" The Baroness asked.

"I think that scenario is as unlikely as Charlie Sheen getting his job back," Destro said. "Besides I heard Zartan saying he needed to take the Dreadnoks out to do a job of some kind."

"What kind of job?"

"Didn't ask. Didn't care," Destro shrugged. "I welcome any and all opportunities to spend _less_ time in the presence of those uncouth barbarians. Zartan could be taking them all out for ice cream for all I care. As long as they are gone, I'm happy."

"I agree the Dreadnoks are not vital to our operation but unfortunately Cobra Commander is," The Baroness frowned. "We need to find him."

"Oh **must **we?" Destro sighed and looked at her. "It's been so peaceful. And I've been getting so much work done."

"Look Destro if we are going to rebuild Cobra into an even more powerful terrorist organization, we need to work together with the Commander," The Baroness said. "Especially if we need to find a new base of operations! I hate hiding under a fast food restaurant!"

"I am not thrilled about our new accommodations either but it's not all bad," Destro admitted. "If you can get past the squirrel meat in the chicken nuggets. At least the drinks are halfway decent." He took a large Styrofoam cup and drank from the straw.

"Destro, my hair smells like burgers," The Baroness gave him a look. "I've put on five pounds just smelling the grease in the air. And you don't want to know what they put in the cola machines."

"This isn't cola. It's a yogurt smoothie," Destro corrected.

"That's what **you** think," The Baroness gave him a look.

"It's not yogurt is it?" Destro stopped drinking and looked at the cup.

"Depends on your definition of yogurt," The Baroness remarked. "If you mean something frozen and liquid made from water, low grade ice and some dairy product made from dehydrated cat's milk…"

Destro did a spit take. "CAT'S MILK!" He yelled. "How the hell did they…?"

"Do yourself a favor," The Baroness sighed. "Don't go down to Level 13. Especially if you hear yowling."

"I guess thirteen really is an unlucky number," Destro grimaced as he threw the cup in the trash.

"And ironic since all the cats in the room are black," The Baroness sighed. "And you don't want to _know_ what's in the milkshakes. That's even more disgusting."

"All right! All right! I get the picture," Destro reluctantly got up. "We need to relocate out of this pet food regurgitation nightmare as soon as possible and find Cobra Commander in order to start rebuilding a new base. Did you check his office?"

"The second place I looked," The Baroness told him.

"Did you check the bar down the street?" Destro asked.

"That's the **first **place I looked," The Baroness said. "I also checked his quarters, the bathroom he shares with the Dreadnoks…"

"Maybe he decided he'd be cleaner if he showered at the Y?" Destro suggested.

"I admit that thought crossed my mind as well," The Baroness sighed. "But I don't think he went there. We are trying to keep a low profile and I think someone showering in a semi-public place covered in scars and scales might draw attention."

"Did you ask Mindbender where he was?"

"Yes and the Commander is not in his labs either," The Baroness told him as they left the office and started to walk the hallways. "I even looked in Mindbender's virtual reality chamber. This was a big mistake because Mindbender was using it."

"Oh God, don't tell me what he was doing or with **whom**," Destro winced. "When it comes to Mindbender's private life, ignorance is not only bliss. It's a _necessity._"

"Any luck?" Xamot asked as he and Tomax walked up to them.

"Unfortunately all bad," The Baroness sighed. "Destro hasn't seen him either."

"Your Crimson Guards are supposed to protect the Commander," Destro accused. "Why weren't they watching him?"

"We usually have someone watching the Commander," Xamot shrugged.

"However with our recent labor shortage due to shall we say, our slight financial problem…" Tomax added.

"In other words you are saying you don't have enough people on your staff because you're dead broke," The Baroness folded her arms.

"When Expensive Enterprises went the way of so many other failed businesses and the FCC and authorities froze our accounts we had no choice but to declare bankruptcy," Tomax sighed.

"A revelation that did not go over very well with some of our employees," Xamot sighed. "We had to lay off half of them as it was."

"What? You didn't have any golden parachutes put away for a rainy day?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"We did," Xamot said.

"But our accountants grabbed them first and jumped out the airplane," Tomax quipped.

"Just out of curiosity how many members of the Crimson Guard are left?" The Baroness asked.

"Keep in mind that at the height of our organization the Crimson Guard…" Tomax began.

"Numbered in over twenty five thousand," Xamot added.

"And how many are left **now?**" Destro asked.

"Six," Tomax winced.

"Six thousand?" Destro asked.

"No," Tomax sighed.

"Just six," Xamot said.

"How the mighty have fallen," The Baroness remarked.

"Don't gloat Baroness!" Tomax snapped.

"We had at least fifty until you and Zarana had the bright idea to use some of our men when you redecorated the rec room!" Xamot snapped.

"We lost fifteen men there," Tomax groaned. "They decided on a career change and are now interior designers."

"So what happened to the rest?" Destro asked.

"Did you not hear us **before?**" Tomax asked.

"We said that we were out of money!" Xamot snapped.

"That is kind of an incentive for an employee to go find himself another position," Tomax glared at him.

"Half of the guard that left went for mercenary work overseas," Xamot said.

"And the other half went straight for the unemployment line and their parents' basements," Tomax added.

"Except for Jill and Max. They got jobs at Lacy's Department store," Xamot sighed. "Perfume counter. They're rather good at it."

"And that one guard went off to try for that intern position for Charlie Sheen," Tomax added.

"I get the picture," Destro sighed. "Still you had six people to watch…"

"Five," Tomax corrected.

"Crimson Guard George appendix burst," Xamot said. "He's in the medical ward."

"Fine. Five people left," Destro was frustrated.

"Actually four," Tomax gave his twin a look. "Crimson Guard Bill had to leave in order to go get a divorce. Remember?"

"He did? You didn't tell me that," Xamot said to his twin.

"Well you didn't tell me about George being in the hospital!" Tomax snapped.

"I thought you already knew," Xamot said.

"Well I didn't!" Tomax snapped. "I'm not a mind reader you know?"

"Don't make any smart remarks!" Xamot cut off Destro's reply.

"I wasn't. But it is odd that the two of you are so…" Destro began.

"Out of synch," The Baroness added.

"Well maybe if we went back to therapy like I suggested…" Tomax began.

"Oh don't you start **that **again!" Xamot snapped. "That Doctor Blythe is a quack!"

"Doctor Blythe is an excellent couple's counselor!" Tomax snapped.

"Of course **you **would think **that!**" Xamot snapped. "You're the one who pays him and surprise! Surprise! He always agrees with **you**! I wonder _why?_"

"Will you two pull yourselves together?" The Baroness snapped as she slapped both of them in the face.

"Sorry…" Xamot rubbed his cheek.

"We needed that," Tomax admitted.

"It's just we've been a tad depressed lately," Xamot sighed.

"You know with losing our business, all our money and power…" Tomax said.

"Cobra being forced underground," Xamot added. "Literally."

"We've just been under a lot of strain lately," Tomax added.

"Any relationship would be put under strain with what we've been through," Xamot agreed.

"This whole series of events hasn't exactly been a pleasant experience for us either you know?" The Baroness fumed. "But you do not see us acting like twits!"

"That reminds me. Is Cadet Deming still here?" Destro asked.

"Yes and no…" Xamot sighed.

"She's still here but she left us…" Tomax groaned.

"I know," The Baroness sighed. "I saw her with Mindbender in the virtual reality chamber."

"Oh God…" Destro winced. "Please do not tell me any more."

"It wasn't like that and you know it!" Cadet Deming stormed up to them with Mindbender behind her, wearing her blue and red form fitting uniform. She flipped her blonde hair. "We were just running through a simulation of a possible scientific experiment when she walked in."

"Of course. How ridiculous of me," The Baroness quipped. "It's standard procedure to run an experiment in a French bikini!"

"It was just a regular bikini, and that's only because I didn't want to dry clean my uniform!" Cadet Deming snapped.

"Oh I'm **sure,"** The Baroness sneered, openly displaying her contempt at the younger woman. "Now that I think about it, I shouldn't be shocked that you moved onto Mindbender. I know you started out as Destro's secretary then spent a few weeks with Cobra Commander before becoming the tainted meat in the Crimson Twin's sandwich!"

"Just what do you mean by that?" Cadet Deming snarled.

"I'm just saying it's only logical that you go onto Mindbender next," The Baroness snapped. "Seeing as there aren't exactly that many other male candidates for you to leech off of left. What's the matter Darling? Did Zartan turn you down or were you planning on saving him for Memorial Day weekend?"

"Oh you have some nerve making smart remarks about **my** personal life when everyone on the planet knows what a mess you made out of **yours**!" Cadet Deming glared at the Baroness.

"At least I don't make the rounds like a garbage man!" The Baroness snarled. "The only difference is the garbage a sanitation worker picks up is a lot less disgusting than you!"

"You want to take this outside,_ Sweetheart_? Because I'll gladly teach you what happens to stuck up witches who cross me!" Cadet Deming snapped.

"Oh **you** are going to teach **me?**" The Baroness snorted. "**You** are going to teach **me,** _Cadet Deming_? You've been a cadet for over twenty years! _Twenty years_! Who stays a cadet for twenty years? Being a Cobra Recruit isn't that difficult! All you have to do is survive basic training and learn how to shoot!"

"Hey that wall is really hard to climb over!" Cadet Deming snapped.

"Here's a tip. It would be easier if you got off your **back **and used your other body parts to actually climb the wall! I've heard of blondes being dumb but I had no idea that any blonde was that dumb! I mean even the Dreadnoks graduated some sort of class by now!" The Baroness shouted.

"It's true," Destro shrugged. "It took them ten years but they finally finished that online creative writing course. Unfortunately they were enrolled in an online computer course, but at least they get credit for finishing some sort of educational pursuit."

The Baroness went on. "But you…What can **you **teach me? How to sleep your way to mediocrity? How to work hard at doing nothing and going nowhere? How to be a **failure?" **

"How about how to have a good **right hook?"** Cadet Deming punched the Baroness in the face and tackled her.

"The Baroness just makes friends wherever she goes doesn't she?" Xamot gave Destro a look as the two women fought in the hallway.

"Oh like Deming is **completely innocent**?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "You do remember this woman dumped you both like yesterday's worthless stocks when you ran out of cash and went over to Mindbender?"

"I wish I could say it was like that but it's not," Mindbender sighed. "Not for lack of trying on my part."

"Keep trying Mindbender," Tomax said sarcastically. "You might get it right after a million failed tries."

"Oh don't encourage him even if you are being sarcastic," Xamot snapped at his twin.

"What are you yelling at **me** for?" Tomax snapped.

"You're the one who blabbed about our financial situation to her!" Xamot snapped.

"Like she wouldn't have found out sooner or later after reading the newspaper…" Tomax began. Xamot gave him a look. "Or watching the news…"

Xamot gave his twin another look. "Or…Well I'm sure **someone** on some gossip show would have mentioned it and she would have heard about it anyway!" Tomax snapped.

"Yes but by then we would have at least several weeks to start getting our fortune back!" Xamot snapped.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" Cadet Deming screamed as the Baroness sat on top of her, punching her repeatedly.

"You were going to teach me **what now?"** The Baroness cackled.

"Don't you dare make me the scapegoat for all this! This is just like when we were children!" Tomax snapped. "Anything wrong is my fault!"

"Oh so you're saying it's all **mine?"** Xamot yelled as he got in his brother's face.

"You know what we are usually thinking. **You **tell **me!**" Tomax snapped as he got in his brother's face.

"Well this is an interesting development," Mindbender blinked. "You certainly don't see **this **every day!" He pointed to the twins arguing.

"Unfortunately I've seen more of **this** than I care to remember," Destro sighed as he pointed to the Baroness and Cadet Deming fighting on the floor.

"I have had it with your attitude! Always bossing me about!" Tomax snapped.

"I boss **you?** You're the one giving me orders all the time like a bloody drill sergeant!" Xamot snapped. "Well I for one am sick of it!"

"So am I!" Tomax snapped. "So get out of my way!"

"**You** get out of **my** way!" Xamot snapped. "Or else!"

"Or else what?" Tomax taunted.

"Or else **this!**" Xamot stomped on Tomax's foot. However due to the fact that they had a psychic bond, this proved to be an unwise move. "YEOW!"

"YEOWW!" The Twins yelled as they hopped around on one foot.

"I can't believe you **did** that!" Tomax snapped. "Fine then I'll do **this!**" He then hit his brother in the nose. With a yelp they both fell to the floor.

"You're right Mindbender, this fight is interesting," Destro smirked.

"Oww…Now I remember…" Xamot moaned as he held his nose.

"Why we stopped fighting as children…" Tomax moaned as he held his nose.

"MEOWWWWW! MEOWWWWW!"

"What in the…?" Destro yelled as a horde of black cats streamed through the hallways. They ran over his feet, scratching and biting as they went.

They also ran over the Baroness and Cadet Deming, clawing them as they go. "AAAAH!" They both yelled. However this did not stop them from fighting.

"AAAAHH! CATS! CATS!" The Twins yelled in horror as the cats ran over them as well, clawing them viciously. "OWWWWW!"

"COME BACK HERE!" A Cobra Employee wearing a red and blue fast food uniform ran after the cats, carrying a large net. "GET BACK HERE!"

"Sorry sir, we had a breakout on level 13," Another Cobra fast food employee ran by with a net. "ANDY! CUT THEM OFF AT THE PASS!"

"MEOWWWW!"

"Just another day at Cobra," Mindbender moaned. "Catfights and cat stampedes."

"Well I don't know where Cobra Commander has gone, but I think I have figured out the reason **why,**" Destro sighed. "And to think, this started out as a nice quiet day."


End file.
